Yes, you too can be a jam sandwich hero.
Leave your air-soled trainers, lycra, carbon fibre, global positioning system and heart rate monitor in the 21st century. They won't help you now. This is the 70s, when none of that counts for anything. The only thing that matters is how tough you are. Talent is not required to qualify as a jam sandwich hero. What is absolutely critical is the ability to push beyond the limits normally believed possible and, never to give up, no matter what.
A jam sandwich hero lives life as though it is the 70s, which it is. In addition to holding down a full time job and training and racing as hard as possible all the time, this involves some or all of the following: wearing a lot of acrylic; drinking Bovril and Tizer; sporting Gola, Adidas or Dunlop footwear; enjoying Angel Delight; going out with a teacher; riding a steel bike; wearing flared track suit trousers; watching The Sweeney, Man About The House, Magpie and Wonder Woman; truly appreciating the colour orange; taking up squash, snooker or kung-fu for fun; listening to Isaac Hayes and ELO; and, of course practically living on jam sandwiches.
A fantastic and extreme world awaits you as a jam sandwich hero. You are guaranteed the following experiences: inability to string a sentence together for several hours after training or racing; memory loss and a general feeling of euphoria and disorientation; falling asleep at the kitchen table; hunger and fatigue of a type most people can't even imagine; fitful, twitching sleep; and, who can forget (or is it remember) extraordinarily cleansing, gut-wrenching pain whenever training or racing.
So, what are you waiting for? Become a jam sandwich hero today. You'll wonder what you've been doing all this time.
